I have been pondering these past few months the Atonement. We have been asked to read the scriptures with this thought always in mind and look for the Atonement in the scriptures. I have to admit that I do read with this in mind but I am not very good at marking them, but I do ponder them. A few months ago I was asked to teach a lesson in Relief Society on a talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks called Strengthened by the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Here is the link:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/strengthened-by-the-atonement-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng
I have learned that the Atonement has been working in my life. Over 6 years ago I noticed that I was unhappy. I didn't understand why. I was going to church, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to the temple. I was doing everything I was suppose to be doing but I was getting more and more unhappy. I would cry out to the Lord, "Why? Why am I feeling this way? I have not sinned! I am not a horrible person! Take this feeling away from me. Help me to love my family, to love my husband, to feel joy!" Nothing happened. This went on for over a year. I was becoming so miserable. I didn't understand why the church was so focused on the family and being together forever. At that point in my life I was not in a place where I wanted to be with this family for eternity.
I finally got to the point where I was in the temple in the Celestial Room and I was not going to leave until the Lord helped me. I knew that sometimes the Lord doesn't answer prayers right away but I had been praying this same prayer for almost 2 years and it was time to be answered. I also know that the Lord doesn't always answer prayers the way you think they should be answered. So when I got my prompting I was very confused. I was in the celestial room of the temple and got the very distinct feeling that I needed to hand my journal over to my husband. That was it. I left the temple and on the ride home couldn't understand why the Lord would answer my prayer in such a way that would lead to divorce, and answer it that way in the temple! In my mind that was where this was heading if I acted on this prompting.
I immediately took Brian to a park and told him that we were heading for divorce, not because I wanted one but the Lord told me to have you read my journal and you would want one after reading it. Unbeknownst to me during this time that I was spiraling downward Brian was being uplifted. He was feeling more and more love for me and the family. So when he read my journal he said that he had never felt so close to me and that we would get through this. Looking back on that incident I realized what the Lord was really doing was trying to tell me to share myself with my husband. I keep things in and let them fester. I am constantly thinking and pondering but not sharing.
There was one incident where I woke up one day and sat straight up in bed and said, "I am buying a clarinet!" I told Brian that for the past 5 years I have wanted to learn the clarinet and today I was going to buy one and that was that. Brian was like, "WHAT! Where did this come from? I didn't even know you were interested in a musical instrument!" To him I just woke up one day and insisted on a clarinet purchase. I had never given him any inclination of my desire to learn the clarinet EVER!
Since this crazy prompting to share my journal I have learned to express myself to my husband. I was able to tell him about my desire to go back to school and get my MBA. He even did it with me! What a great experience that was for us as a couple. It really helped me to speak to Brian. We had to talk everyday about things that were going on in our coursework. Every class we insisted on being put on the same team which enabled us to have to work together on the same papers which taught me to always go to him with ideas and questions and work together to accomplish a goal every week of writing a group paper. It was amazing!
It also made it possible for me to be able to talk to Brian immediately about a prompting I had during Sacrament Meeting about having another child and not waiting 3-5 years to tell him. I was listening to a friend of mine, Ellen, give a talk on families when I got this distinct feeling like the Holy Ghost was whispering in my ear that I needed to have another child. Now I was VERY vocal on how I didn't want to have anymore children. 4 was more than enough for me. Why in the world would I want another child when I felt like I couldn't even handle the four that I had! I thought this was crazy and felt like I was trying to shoo away the Holy Ghost and brush him off my shoulder! I was wanting to listen to my friend give a talk I did not want to have a discussion about another baby! But the voice kept on insisting that I have another child. And I kept on insisting that that voice go AWAY! Then the voice was like, "Don't you want another little girl?" And I was like, "Ahhhh!" With a little quiver of my bottom lip. "Don't you want to name her ________!" And I almost broke down and cried! Yes! Maybe I do.
So that night before bed I sat Brian down and I told him about what happened to me during Sacrament Meeting. We both laughed so hard we were crying. We both didn't want any more children and we both didn't want to act on this prompting. Brian was like, "Good one Barbara!" By the end of our conversation Brian informed me that having kids was always up to me and I should do whatever. He was fine with any decision I would make.
The next day I kept looking at the clock. I knew that I did not want to make a phone call that would set up an appointment to get my IUD out. My answer was a resounding NO to this have another baby prompting! But when 5 o'clock came around and I knew that the Dr. office was closed I broke down in tears with the realization that I did not immediately act on a prompting from the Holy Ghost. I was inconsolable. I made a deal with God. If this was really what you wanted me to do then let there be a spot available for me in the next few days so that I would not have to wait and change my mind. When I made the appointment it was for the next day!
So there I was getting my IUD out and really really not wanting another baby. I was getting my MBA and working towards my first Black Belt. I was busy and getting things done I didn't have time for a baby! Every month I was sooooo relieved when I got my period. 6 months had gone by and no baby. I always had it in the back of my mind. Brian and I decided to go to a fertility clinic to get injections to move the process along because I didn't want to wait 3-5 years and find out I was having trouble with getting pregnant. I was not going to go that far to have a baby. Getting hormone injections was as far as I was willing to take this prompting. Well, the Dr. informed us that the injections would be of no use because I wasn't making follicles anymore. Whatever that means. Apparently you need follicles for egg development or transportation and because I was not making any I couldn't get pregnant unless we did in-vitro. Yeah, that was NOT going to happen. I listened to the spirit long enough if this was going to happen it would happen on it's own. Heavenly Father already proved he could with the virgin Mary! He didn't need my help!
So the first year every single month I was like, "few!" (you know when you are so glad that something didn't happen, don't know the spelling for that) No baby!!!! Kept on going with my life. Got my MBA and tested for not 1 but 2 black belts! The second year I kept it in the back of my mind but was too busy with life to care to much. But then the third year came around. I was done with my MBA I was done with testing for black belts I was more aware of this prompting not happening. It got to point that I was kind of sad every month when the period would come and I wasn't pregnant. I started to feel like I was missing out. My heart started to break a little each month when the pregnancy test would not show positive.
On Labor Day of 2015 I broke down and cried. I went to the Lord and I said I couldn't do this anymore. I was sorry that I didn't react immediately with getting the IUD removed, I waited a whole day to set up an appointment! I said that I understood. Maybe I wasn't suppose to have another baby, maybe the IUD was hurting me in some way and getting that prompting about a little girl was the only way I was going to get it removed. But I could not take another month of heartbreak. That was what it had come to. Every month was a feeling of such loss and despair. I literally could not take it anymore. I had one more pregnancy test and that was it. I would go and get an IUD put back in. I didn't understand why He had taken me from a state of not wanting kids to a state where I was heartbroken every month because I was not pregnant. I could do this no more! I asked for forgiveness for not being able to take it any more but I would use this last pregnancy test. It was positive! I was overcome with joy!!! I was pregnant!
I immediately put a plan together to tell Brian! Unbeknownst to me Brian had put this whole situation out of his head. When the Dr. told us I wouldn't be having any more children because of no follicle production Brian was like, "Cool, no more kids!" and immediately forgot about my prompting from the Holy Ghost! He had no idea the struggle that I had been going through with thinking I was still suppose to have a baby. I guess I still have some ways to go with the communication department!
So Brian's reaction was priceless! I got one of our friends to come over and video me telling Brian that I was pregnant. Brian was helping me with weight lifting at our neighborhood gym. I decided to make a sign that said the gym was closed and wouldn't be open till my real Labor Day, May 10, 2016! In my head it was a good idea and funny! We taped the sign up to the entrance to the clubhouse and taped Tom's phone kind of hidden by the bar that you push to open the door to record Brian. We walk up to the door and Brian reads the sign and is like, "What, that cannot be right, just ignore it. This isn't for us." He kept wanting me to just open the door, you cannot close the gym it is always open! I had to tell him it was for us. That I was pregnant! He didn't quite know what to do about this news. Our friends were like congratulations! And Brian was just in shock! He was really quiet for our work out. I just did the elliptical.
When we got back to the house he took a shower and just laid in bed for a few hours! When he finally spoke he grabbed me by the shoulders and said in a panicky voice, "I'll be 60 when he graduates from college!" Then with a panicked expression he says with eyes bugging out, "What if he doesn't leave when he turns 18!"
As the pregnancy went along Brian got more and more excited about it. I have to admit that even though I knew this was coming and I was actually pregnant I wasn't holding my breath until I was holding a baby. So many things could go wrong. But we got our bundle of joy 2 weeks early! Brian insisted that I know that sex of the baby just in case it came out a boy so that I would not be disappointed on a glorious day of his birth because I was expecting a girl. It took a lot of convincing but I finally gave in by the time we went in for the ultra sound. I held out hope though until the very end because he would not move his legs for over an hour. It hurt so much getting that ultra sound because they were trying to get him to move his legs but he was stubborn! The umbilical cord was between his legs and he was folded in half with his legs crossed. There was no way he was going to make this easy for me. So I kept thinking there was an 80-20 chance it was a girl! But I have to say, if the Holy Ghost had said that there was another little boy waiting for us I can tell you with 100% certainty I would have laughed in his face and immediately made an appointment for Brian to get fixed, can anyone say vasectomy!
Since our little Daniel Charles Dale has been born everyone keeps telling me how happy I look. My own kids think that I love Daniel more than them. It was so sad, Eric came up to me and said, "Mom I understand that you love Daniel the most now, but you love me next best right?" No, that is not what is going on at all. He just needs so much attention. Like for the first 3 months I didn't get any sleep because the little stinker would choke all the time. He was silent about it because when you are choking you cannot yell out. What a horrible 3 months of trying to not be too far from your baby or being too asleep so that when he choked you could be there to turn him upside down and slam your palm into his back to help out. SO glad that phase is over with!
So back to my point of the atonement in my life. On Monday, Aug 29th, I asked the Lord about the Atonement in my life. I knew that the Atonement would be in effect for me when I died. I was not some horrible sinner that had to repent of some horrible sin and have the Atonement take affect that way. I know that the Atonement is suppose to take affect in our lives not just after we die, so how was it in my life? His answer, it has always been in my life, I just needed to accept it and let it take affect. I was like, "Huh?" He took me on a little reminder of my past experiences over the last 6 years. He said that when I was despairing I was not letting the Atonement have an affect on me. It wasn't until I was willing with a broken heart and a contrite spirit to do what he knew I needed to do to bring me back to joy did I let the Atonement have an affect on me.
He said, "Barbara, I suffered not only for the sins of the world but so that I would know how to succor my people. I suffered so that I would know how to succor you when you needed me. I knew what you needed to do to get you out of your suffering, your misery, your despair. I knew that you needed to open up to your husband. I knew that you needed to have another child, boy or girl, to help you develop a love for your whole family and see that having your family for eternity is worth everything! You let the Atonement have an affect on your life because you listened to the Holy Ghost no matter how crazy the prompting sounded! The world would never have told you to hand over your journal to your husband to draw you two closer. The world would have never told you to have another baby because to them 4 is more than enough! But I am not of the world. I knew you needed this and I am so proud of you for acting on my promptings!"
I recognize that the Lord took me from my misery, my despair, my suffering, that I apparently was causing to myself, and brought me into joy, happiness, and love. I radiate joy, happiness, and love, not because I have a baby, but because the Lord knew me, knew what I needed to have true joy, and I allowed it to take affect in my life. My joy comes from the Lord in every way! I am so grateful for my savior. That He is not only my savior when I die and get resurrected, but he is my savior now, to bring me true joy in this life. I love him so. I love my family so. I am just overflowing with joy! I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!
